worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
