Small penises have feelings too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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