Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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