according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
