He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
