There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
