How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
