he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
