She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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