smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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