it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
