Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
