i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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