i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
