I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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