Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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