angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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