is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
