Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
