Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize