I just threw up on my dentist
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Randomize
