If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
