it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
