Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Alive.
So much puke
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
