hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize