so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize