I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize