the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
