Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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