What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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