apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
