I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Two words: blizzard sex
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
