Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
