Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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