Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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