Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
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