Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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