when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
