Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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