It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
