Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
