god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish my penis had an off switch
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
