I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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