the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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