he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
