Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
