Tell her she can't have a vagina
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
