in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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