I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
