dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
