Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
