I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
