fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize