She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
