i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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