What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
