I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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