Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
