like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
