I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
